Loving my neighbor...

So I've decided that loving others is just plain hard.
I'm in a season in my life where God is really challenging me to love others more deeply. I'm a pretty relational person, I like people and hate to be alone for very long. But sometimes I get this panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about someone getting close to me. When this happens I just want to shut myself away somewhere to hide. Here recently, I'd say within the last month or so, I've realized that there is this side to me that is just plain cold hearted. I've never thought too much about it, just thought I was just pretty emotionally strong. But then this "side" of me hurt the feelings of one of my dearest friends. Thankfully, she had the guts to confront me. I heard her out then went to my sister to see if she could verify any of what my friend said. I asked her if I could be intimidating, unapproachable or hard. To which she said yes. She said that it was always a tragedy to be on my "bad side." She said that it was never anything I would say or do, it was just a "vibe" that I sent out. This vibe stated, "I have walled you out, you can't touch me." As she spoke these words I felt a grief within my Spirit and that I needed to pay attention because the Lord was at work.
For the past 4 years the Lord has taken me on a journey where He has continually worked to tenderize me. I have had many victories along the way and have felt that I have made much progress but this current issue seems to be rooted quite deep within me. I feel that it is generational. An issue that has been woven quite intricately through the pattern of my family. This walling someone out stance is not something I consciously do, but an immediate thoughtless reaction. So when I was confronted on this issue, it overwhelmed me because I could feel how deeply this was rooted and therefore felt powerless to change. I could liken how I felt to how someone would feel if they were given the task of chopping down a large oak tree with a butter knife.
After processing this issue with my sister, who confessed to dealing with it too, we prayed. I felt no grief or shame, merely just the pressing of the Holy Spirit to take the first step...repentance.
Weeks later, which brings me to this present time, I'm faced with this desire to draw close to others and to allow others to draw close to me. This desire terrifies me.
Even this morning at church some of the kids in my youth group gathered around me to talk and I felt an overwhelming love for them. But with this love, pain, because I feel that God has given me a measure of discernment and insight into the condition of their hearts. Some of these hearts are rebellious and indifferent towards the Lord. They don't care about the things of God, they just want to gratify their fleshly wants. The ache I felt for these youth was so intense that I wanted to cry. Ugh!

Man if only I could love without there being any pain or discomfort along with it. This is why loving others is so dang hard! It hurts so much to care and to be moved emotionally because of the depth of what you feel. How did Jesus do it?! How did Jesus give of Himself to so many? How was He so approachable? How was He able to love Judas even though He knew Judas would betray Him in the worse possibly way? It's so scary to love that freely...to be that open. But yet I desire it...I crave it. I would like so much to hug the balance beam and leave the walking and leaping to the professionals. Hugging the balance beam seems so much more safe and comfortable. But no, there's no way that I can be content with that sort of safe lifestyle. Not when the Spirit of God is passionately at work in this area of my life. I've always admired people who are open and loving towards everyone. Who make you feel so comfortable in their presence and who give of themselves so freely. I want that! I want to live a radical life for Christ. To take risks and go against the grain. Stand and leap on the balance beam that I may attain a good score from the ultimate Judge. That I might hear the words, "well done My good and faithful servant. You lived and loved well."
Ah, I want that more than anything. But goodness is it hard to put action behind that want and desire. Dear God, help me.

Where to start....

Where to start indeed...

Four days ago I was enjoying the sunshine on the beach of Destin, Florida. To try and recap my time there would be too overwhelming.
As I've had four days to process my time spent away from home I am flooded with one captivating thought that I feel sums it all up - God is GOOD.
I, along with Arica, my mom, Li, and Brenda didn't just get a much needed vacation but received a gift from the heart of God.
I have never been on a prayer sabbatical with my mom and Li before last week and wow was it amazing. We had no plan or schedule. We ate when we were hungry, slept when we were tired and played when we so desired. Most of all we delighted ourselves in the Lord each and every day. We believed that we would encounter Him and would see Him move each day. And guess what! He did!
I have no grand stories or tales to relay, only that God did a very sweet work in my heart, mind and soul. He saturated me with His love.
Day One of our time in Destin my mom asked Arica and I what our three "Rs" were. Mine were: Rest, Receive and Risk.
I believe I experienced and lived each one of those "Rs."
I have always loved the verse in Ephesians 3:20, "Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us."
I didn't really have too many expectations for this trip beyond my three "Rs" and God totally took what I put out there and did so much more than I could have ever dreamed.
I was able to rest in the best way possible. I felt taken care of and content and full of joy. I was able to receive from the Lord and others because I had time to do so. "Whatever, Lord, have Your way." I was also able to risk. This wasn't in the physical or emotional but more spiritually speaking. I felt pressed to believe, dream and pray BIG and in that I would receive Big. It was so much fun!!
I feel that alot of this is jumbled. I guess in a nutshell and to sum it all up - I love Jesus and was able to experience a level of intimacy on this trip that I have never known. I came back smiling and with a glow from the sun and the Son. :)

recommendation

A friend of mine recommended that I listen to the song, "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. Good stuff! I guess they debuted in the movie, "Once." I haven't seen the movie but I'm hoping to soon just so I can hear this song again! haha. :)

Little children...

I just got done working the early shift at work. Bah! Mornings kill me! I'm the type of person that can purpose to find joy in anything, but I tell you what, mornings provide me with quite the challenge. I can't even talk about them right now lest I become too disgruntled at the very thought. haha.
Anyway!
Where was I even going with this...
Oh yes...
Earlier after I locked the doors to the pool I headed to the front desk to drop the keys off and fill out the usual paperwork...as is routine. Since its still in the AM when I get off work, I always just want to get out of there and get back home for a nap. So, I do what I need to do in focused silence, daring anyone who crosses my path to even give a nod in my direction. lol. Because of my lack of social graces in the morning I'm sure my coworkers think I have a split personality (Jackal and Hyde). Who they encounter in the morning is very different than the girl they know the rest of the day. haha.

WELL...today I'm filling out the paperwork, grumpy as ever, when all of a sudden a little body is wrapped around me. Unaccustomed to this sort of intrusion I was startled. I looked down to find Cami, a little girl that I had given swim lessons to last summer. Her and her little brother had captured my heart as they were both just completely adorable. Before I had time to react Cami smiled up at me and then placed her small hand into mine and said, "hi teacher." In that instant my defenses melted and just like that, the horrid morning blues vanished. Now, I have always known God to have a sense of humor but this morning beat the cake. My morning routine was completely ruined and now I find myself thinking about butterfly's and lollipops and its not even noon. Wow do I serve a God of miracles. haha.

Thinking about it now I can totally understand why God calls us to be childlike. Kids love so unreservedly. They hold nothing back which I find to be so brave. Any adult would have known by just looking at me that I was in no mood to be messed with, but then here comes this little 6 year old who comes straight to me and gives me a hug. My walls and defenses were completely invisible to her as she totally just invaded my personal space. I love that! Cami totally trusted that I would receive her and it was because of her sincerity that I did. I felt so loved!
Hmmm...goodness...there is so much food for thought here but I will just leave it as is.

Random inspiration...

The other day I was hanging out at my Grandma's house, like I sometimes do when I have a break from work. As I sat in the chair, grama reading the newspaper, me channel surfing I came across a music video on the Disney Channel (please bear with me). It was none other than Miley Cyrus, a name that I became all too familiar with last summer while working with Junior High girls. It was through their influence that I finally caught on that Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana are one and the same! Wow. ANYWAY, all that to say I came across her music video "The Climb." I lamely watched the whole video, a lot amused but also somewhat interested in the lyrics. I'm a lyric junky! If a song has good lyrics then I'm usually hooked. Well, from this song, "the climb" one slice of the loaf settled well with me.

There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
There's always gonna be an uphill battle
But sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.

The last three stanzas are what I related to the most. haha (goodness, I feel like a goof). I do have a point to all of this (don't worry I'm not about to confess that I'm a closet fan of Cyrus).

I was talking to a friend recently about how I tend to be all about the destination. If I see the big picture, then forget the details and lets just get there already. Details tend to bring me stress so I would just rather skip over them. Well I'm learning that that just isn't real life. I can't fast forward nor do I get to roll the dice and skip ahead a few spaces. I must live every moment of everyday, I must learn to deal with the details.
God was gracious enough to show me last year during a particularly grueling season that it's not just about enduring a season, but embracing it.
Or like the lyrics above, it's not about how fast I get there or what could be waiting on the other side, its about the journey. Its about embracing the journey and learning to enjoy each moment of it. I thought I was finally discovering how to do that but of course each mountain I come to seems to be just a little higher. Which is kinda cool, cuz each mountain seems to have prepared me for the next. I'm getting stronger and stronger and more accustomed to the ways of the hike.
As Beth Moore says, "This is about hiking, no pretty shoes or slippers allowed."
I guess bottom line I would rather skip over this season I'm facing cuz I don't quite know how to deal with it. I sometimes feel in over my head. I don't have a curriculum or recipe to follow. It's my life - unique and only lived by me. I'm learning that TRUST is going to be a big thing that I'm going to have to get better aquainted with. That and a more full reliance upon the Lord. I can't wait to get to the top of this mountain I'm facing so that I can look out and enjoy the view! :)

Hilarious!

more on praise...

My good friend, Jon, told me about a book called, "When Heaven Invades Earth" by Bill Johnson. I picked it up last night before bed and found myself eating it up til early this morning. So many good truths! In one of the chapters it talked about how we rely too much on what we see and not enough on what we cannot see. Below is an excerpt from the book:

"God is very committed to teaching us how to see. To make this possible He gave us the Holy Spirit as a tutor. The curriculum that He uses is quite varied. But the one class we all qualify for is the greatest of all Christian privileges - worship. Learning how to see is not the purpose for our worship, but it is a wonderful by-product.

Those who worship in spirit and truth, as mentioned in John 4:23-24, learn to follow the Holy Spirit's lead. His realm is called the kingdom of God. The throne of God, which becomes established upon the praises of His people, is the center of that Kingdom. It's in the environment of worship that we learn things that go way beyond what our intellect can grasp - and the greatest of these lessons is the value of His presence. David was so affected by this that all his other exploits pale in comparison to his abandoned heart for God. We know that he learned to see into God's realm because of statements like, 'I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.' The presence of God affected his seeing. He would constantly practice recognizing the presence of God. He saw God daily, not with the natural eyes, but with the eyes of faith. That priceless revelation was given to a worshiper."

Isn't that good!? I thought it was worth noting and even copied it down in my journal. Ah! I so want to be like King David, but more so like Jesus. I want to be the type of person that has an "abandoned heart for God." Ever since I surrendered my heart to God at age 17 I made a vow that I would never settle. I refuse to be the type of Christian who just gets by...living off yesterdays manna. The God I serve is so awesome!

Last night in youth group I shared about what it means to be a follower of Jesus. The word follower in Greek, means to mimic what you see someone else doing. So if I say that I am a disciple of Christ, a follower or a Christian, then I should be doing what Jesus did when He walked this earth! It says in Mark 16:15-18, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well."

I challenged the youth to step out and be the type of Christian, Jesus desires us to be! It says in John 14 that, anyone who has faith in Jesus will do what He did and will do even greater things than what He did! I mean, WOW!
We see so little because we believe so little. The church is paralyzed by unbelief! Its time to BELIEVE! It's time to be men and women of faith. It's time to step up! Ah!!!! I ache for it.