I don't know

I'm sitting here, my hands poised over the keyboard...I'm waiting for inspiration.

For about a month I've been feeling a bit sluggish. So many times I've opened my journal to write or I've been here on my blog and the energy is just not here to even express my heart. I don't know what the deal is. I don't like it.
The things that use to get me stirred up or excited...don't. Maybe it's boredom. Maybe I just need to have a good cry fest.
Presently I'm listening to Kim Walker sing, How He Loves Us and I want so badly to be moved! I want to be broken so that Christ may enter into me and shake me out of this place of Blah-ness that I've found myself in.
I have so many questions and so many things on my heart waiting to be expressed but the words just aren't there. I have so much in my head and now I'm just waiting for these things to settle in my heart that I might be changed. Maybe? See, I really don't know. I don't have a clue as to what God is doing right now. I see in a mirror dimly. I think apathetic would be a good word to describe what I'm feeling. Indifference is such an ugly thing. I want to FEEL something! I guess I haven't made time to let myself feel things. Maybe I'm afraid I'll feel to much so I've allowed myself to become emotionally and spiritually constipated. Wanting to slow things down so that I can make sense of everything that seems to be happening around me. Things that I don't understand. Yeah...that's probably it.
Sometimes I try so hard to do things right. I want to be a good daughter, sister, friend, youth pastor, employee, example. I'm exhausted. I can't be good or loving or any of that Christian stuff without CHRIST. Ah! I know this...I know that I know this. But why can't I get this! Why can't I apply it! Why can't I live every day passionately and radically sold out for Christ!
I've tried to control...everything. Thus producing ME. A girl who isn't feeling too much right now. Who doesn't have the energy to pray or worship or be nice because...I haven't clung to Jesus like I should. I haven't made time to sit at the feet of my King and just BE with Him.
*sigh...goodness. How silly I can be sometimes. I so want to blame God and everyone and everything around me for where I'm at right now. But I can't do this because nobody is to blame but ME. I've failed. I've slacked off. I've made things mundane because I'm a creature of habit. I find something that works and stick to it...so religious. God has been wanting to shake me up a bit because I've been asking for this! But when He starts to move just one little piece in my jenga like life...I freaked. I became a frenzied mess which alarmed me so I squelched it all so that I could find my secure place. *shaking head. Silly girl!
Jesus is saying, "daughter, when things seems unsteady or unbalanced I AM HERE! Child, cling to Me! Let me be the hand that steadies you. Trust Me. I Know. Call out to Me when you feel afraid or that you're about to fall. Don't shrink back into the corner. Allow Me to be your guide. Allow me to step in and move on your behalf! I love you, child. Believe this and be changed."

"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." - Eph. 3:14-21