So I've decided that loving others is just plain hard.
I'm in a season in my life where God is really challenging me to love others more deeply. I'm a pretty relational person, I like people and hate to be alone for very long. But sometimes I get this panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about someone getting close to me. When this happens I just want to shut myself away somewhere to hide. Here recently, I'd say within the last month or so, I've realized that there is this side to me that is just plain cold hearted. I've never thought too much about it, just thought I was just pretty emotionally strong. But then this "side" of me hurt the feelings of one of my dearest friends. Thankfully, she had the guts to confront me. I heard her out then went to my sister to see if she could verify any of what my friend said. I asked her if I could be intimidating, unapproachable or hard. To which she said yes. She said that it was always a tragedy to be on my "bad side." She said that it was never anything I would say or do, it was just a "vibe" that I sent out. This vibe stated, "I have walled you out, you can't touch me." As she spoke these words I felt a grief within my Spirit and that I needed to pay attention because the Lord was at work.
For the past 4 years the Lord has taken me on a journey where He has continually worked to tenderize me. I have had many victories along the way and have felt that I have made much progress but this current issue seems to be rooted quite deep within me. I feel that it is generational. An issue that has been woven quite intricately through the pattern of my family. This walling someone out stance is not something I consciously do, but an immediate thoughtless reaction. So when I was confronted on this issue, it overwhelmed me because I could feel how deeply this was rooted and therefore felt powerless to change. I could liken how I felt to how someone would feel if they were given the task of chopping down a large oak tree with a butter knife.
After processing this issue with my sister, who confessed to dealing with it too, we prayed. I felt no grief or shame, merely just the pressing of the Holy Spirit to take the first step...repentance.
Weeks later, which brings me to this present time, I'm faced with this desire to draw close to others and to allow others to draw close to me. This desire terrifies me.
Even this morning at church some of the kids in my youth group gathered around me to talk and I felt an overwhelming love for them. But with this love, pain, because I feel that God has given me a measure of discernment and insight into the condition of their hearts. Some of these hearts are rebellious and indifferent towards the Lord. They don't care about the things of God, they just want to gratify their fleshly wants. The ache I felt for these youth was so intense that I wanted to cry. Ugh!
Man if only I could love without there being any pain or discomfort along with it. This is why loving others is so dang hard! It hurts so much to care and to be moved emotionally because of the depth of what you feel. How did Jesus do it?! How did Jesus give of Himself to so many? How was He so approachable? How was He able to love Judas even though He knew Judas would betray Him in the worse possibly way? It's so scary to love that freely...to be that open. But yet I desire it...I crave it. I would like so much to hug the balance beam and leave the walking and leaping to the professionals. Hugging the balance beam seems so much more safe and comfortable. But no, there's no way that I can be content with that sort of safe lifestyle. Not when the Spirit of God is passionately at work in this area of my life. I've always admired people who are open and loving towards everyone. Who make you feel so comfortable in their presence and who give of themselves so freely. I want that! I want to live a radical life for Christ. To take risks and go against the grain. Stand and leap on the balance beam that I may attain a good score from the ultimate Judge. That I might hear the words, "well done My good and faithful servant. You lived and loved well."
Ah, I want that more than anything. But goodness is it hard to put action behind that want and desire. Dear God, help me.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Where to start....
Where to start indeed...
Four days ago I was enjoying the sunshine on the beach of Destin, Florida. To try and recap my time there would be too overwhelming.
As I've had four days to process my time spent away from home I am flooded with one captivating thought that I feel sums it all up - God is GOOD.
I, along with Arica, my mom, Li, and Brenda didn't just get a much needed vacation but received a gift from the heart of God.
I have never been on a prayer sabbatical with my mom and Li before last week and wow was it amazing. We had no plan or schedule. We ate when we were hungry, slept when we were tired and played when we so desired. Most of all we delighted ourselves in the Lord each and every day. We believed that we would encounter Him and would see Him move each day. And guess what! He did!
I have no grand stories or tales to relay, only that God did a very sweet work in my heart, mind and soul. He saturated me with His love.
Day One of our time in Destin my mom asked Arica and I what our three "Rs" were. Mine were: Rest, Receive and Risk.
I believe I experienced and lived each one of those "Rs."
I have always loved the verse in Ephesians 3:20, "Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us."
I didn't really have too many expectations for this trip beyond my three "Rs" and God totally took what I put out there and did so much more than I could have ever dreamed.
I was able to rest in the b
est way possible. I felt taken care of and content and full of joy. I was able to receive from the Lord and others because I had time to do so. "Whatever, Lord, have Your way." I was also able to risk. This wasn't in the physical or emotional but more spiritually speaking. I felt pressed to believe, dream and pray BIG and in that I would receive Big. It was so much fun!!
I feel that alot of this is jumbled. I guess in a nutshell and to sum it all up - I love Jesus and was able to experience a level of intimacy on this trip that I have never known. I came back smiling and with a glow from the sun and the Son. :)
Saturday, March 14, 2009
recommendation
A friend of mine recommended that I listen to the song, "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. Good stuff! I guess they debuted in the movie, "Once." I haven't seen the movie but I'm hoping to soon just so I can hear this song again! haha. :)
Friday, March 13, 2009
Little children...
I just got done working the early shift at work. Bah! Mornings kill me! I'm the type of person that can purpose to find joy in anything, but I tell you what, mornings provide me with quite the challenge. I can't even talk about them right now lest I become too disgruntled at the very thought. haha.
Anyway!
Where was I even going with this...
Oh yes...
Earlier after I locked the doors to the pool I headed to the front desk to drop the keys off and fill out the usual paperwork...as is routine. Since its still in the AM when I get off work, I always just want to get out of there and get back home for a nap. So, I do what I need to do in focused silence, daring anyone who crosses my path to even give a nod in my direction. lol. Because of my lack of social graces in the morning I'm sure my coworkers think I have a split personality (Jackal and Hyde). Who they encounter in the morning is very different than the girl they know the rest of the day. haha.
WELL...today I'm filling out the paperwork, grumpy as ever, when all of a sudden a little body is wrapped around me. Unaccustomed to this sort of intrusion I was startled. I looked down to find Cami, a little girl that I had given swim lessons to last summer. Her and her little brother had captured my heart as they were both just completely adorable. Before I had time to react Cami smiled up at me and then placed her small hand into mine and said, "hi teacher." In that instant my defenses melted and just like that, the horrid morning blues vanished. Now, I have always known God to have a sense of humor but this morning beat the cake. My morning routine was completely ruined and now I find myself thinking about butterfly's and lollipops and its not even noon. Wow do I serve a God of miracles. haha.
Thinking about it now I can totally understand why God calls us to be childlike. Kids love so unreservedly. They hold nothing back which I find to be so brave. Any adult would have known by just looking at me that I was in no mood to be messed with, but then here comes this little 6 year old who comes straight to me and gives me a hug. My walls and defenses were completely invisible to her as she totally just invaded my personal space. I love that! Cami totally trusted that I would receive her and it was because of her sincerity that I did. I felt so loved!
Hmmm...goodness...there is so much food for thought here but I will just leave it as is.
Anyway!
Where was I even going with this...
Oh yes...
Earlier after I locked the doors to the pool I headed to the front desk to drop the keys off and fill out the usual paperwork...as is routine. Since its still in the AM when I get off work, I always just want to get out of there and get back home for a nap. So, I do what I need to do in focused silence, daring anyone who crosses my path to even give a nod in my direction. lol. Because of my lack of social graces in the morning I'm sure my coworkers think I have a split personality (Jackal and Hyde). Who they encounter in the morning is very different than the girl they know the rest of the day. haha.
WELL...today I'm filling out the paperwork, grumpy as ever, when all of a sudden a little body is wrapped around me. Unaccustomed to this sort of intrusion I was startled. I looked down to find Cami, a little girl that I had given swim lessons to last summer. Her and her little brother had captured my heart as they were both just completely adorable. Before I had time to react Cami smiled up at me and then placed her small hand into mine and said, "hi teacher." In that instant my defenses melted and just like that, the horrid morning blues vanished. Now, I have always known God to have a sense of humor but this morning beat the cake. My morning routine was completely ruined and now I find myself thinking about butterfly's and lollipops and its not even noon. Wow do I serve a God of miracles. haha.
Thinking about it now I can totally understand why God calls us to be childlike. Kids love so unreservedly. They hold nothing back which I find to be so brave. Any adult would have known by just looking at me that I was in no mood to be messed with, but then here comes this little 6 year old who comes straight to me and gives me a hug. My walls and defenses were completely invisible to her as she totally just invaded my personal space. I love that! Cami totally trusted that I would receive her and it was because of her sincerity that I did. I felt so loved!
Hmmm...goodness...there is so much food for thought here but I will just leave it as is.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Random inspiration...
The other day I was hanging out at my Grandma's house, like I sometimes do when I have a break from work. As I sat in the chair, grama reading the newspaper, me channel surfing I came across a music video on the Disney Channel (please bear with me). It was none other than Miley Cyrus, a name that I became all too familiar with last summer while working with Junior High girls. It was through their influence that I finally caught on that Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana are one and the same! Wow. ANYWAY, all that to say I came across her music video "The Climb." I lamely watched the whole video, a lot amused but also somewhat interested in the lyrics. I'm a lyric junky! If a song has good lyrics then I'm usually hooked. Well, from this song, "the climb" one slice of the loaf settled well with me.
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
There's always gonna be an uphill battle
But sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
The last three stanzas are what I related to the most. haha (goodness, I feel like a goof). I do have a point to all of this (don't worry I'm not about to confess that I'm a closet fan of Cyrus).
I was talking to a friend recently about how I tend to be all about the destination. If I see the big picture, then forget the details and lets just get there already. Details tend to bring me stress so I would just rather skip over them. Well I'm learning that that just isn't real life. I can't fast forward nor do I get to roll the dice and skip ahead a few spaces. I must live every moment of everyday, I must learn to deal with the details.
God was gracious enough to show me last year during a particularly grueling season that it's not just about enduring a season, but embracing it.
Or like the lyrics above, it's not about how fast I get there or what could be waiting on the other side, its about the journey. Its about embracing the journey and learning to enjoy each moment of it. I thought I was finally discovering how to do that but of course each mountain I come to seems to be just a little higher. Which is kinda cool, cuz each mountain seems to have prepared me for the next. I'm getting stronger and stronger and more accustomed to the ways of the hike.
As Beth Moore says, "This is about hiking, no pretty shoes or slippers allowed."
I guess bottom line I would rather skip over this season I'm facing cuz I don't quite know how to deal with it. I sometimes feel in over my head. I don't have a curriculum or recipe to follow. It's my life - unique and only lived by me. I'm learning that TRUST is going to be a big thing that I'm going to have to get better aquainted with. That and a more full reliance upon the Lord. I can't wait to get to the top of this mountain I'm facing so that I can look out and enjoy the view! :)
There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
There's always gonna be an uphill battle
But sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there.
Ain't about what's waitin on the other side.
It's the climb.
The last three stanzas are what I related to the most. haha (goodness, I feel like a goof). I do have a point to all of this (don't worry I'm not about to confess that I'm a closet fan of Cyrus).
I was talking to a friend recently about how I tend to be all about the destination. If I see the big picture, then forget the details and lets just get there already. Details tend to bring me stress so I would just rather skip over them. Well I'm learning that that just isn't real life. I can't fast forward nor do I get to roll the dice and skip ahead a few spaces. I must live every moment of everyday, I must learn to deal with the details.
God was gracious enough to show me last year during a particularly grueling season that it's not just about enduring a season, but embracing it.
Or like the lyrics above, it's not about how fast I get there or what could be waiting on the other side, its about the journey. Its about embracing the journey and learning to enjoy each moment of it. I thought I was finally discovering how to do that but of course each mountain I come to seems to be just a little higher. Which is kinda cool, cuz each mountain seems to have prepared me for the next. I'm getting stronger and stronger and more accustomed to the ways of the hike.
As Beth Moore says, "This is about hiking, no pretty shoes or slippers allowed."
I guess bottom line I would rather skip over this season I'm facing cuz I don't quite know how to deal with it. I sometimes feel in over my head. I don't have a curriculum or recipe to follow. It's my life - unique and only lived by me. I'm learning that TRUST is going to be a big thing that I'm going to have to get better aquainted with. That and a more full reliance upon the Lord. I can't wait to get to the top of this mountain I'm facing so that I can look out and enjoy the view! :)
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
more on praise...
My good friend, Jon, told me about a book called, "When Heaven Invades Earth" by Bill Johnson. I picked it up last night before bed and found myself eating it up til early this morning. So many good truths! In one of the chapters it talked about how we rely too much on what we see and not enough on what we cannot see. Below is an excerpt from the book:
"God is very committed to teaching us how to see. To make this possible He gave us the Holy Spirit as a tutor. The curriculum that He uses is quite varied. But the one class we all qualify for is the greatest of all Christian privileges - worship. Learning how to see is not the purpose for our worship, but it is a wonderful by-product.
Those who worship in spirit and truth, as mentioned in John 4:23-24, learn to follow the Holy Spirit's lead. His realm is called the kingdom of God. The throne of God, which becomes established upon the praises of His people, is the center of that Kingdom. It's in the environment of worship that we learn things that go way beyond what our intellect can grasp - and the greatest of these lessons is the value of His presence. David was so affected by this that all his other exploits pale in comparison to his abandoned heart for God. We know that he learned to see into God's realm because of statements like, 'I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.' The presence of God affected his seeing. He would constantly practice recognizing the presence of God. He saw God daily, not with the natural eyes, but with the eyes of faith. That priceless revelation was given to a worshiper."
Isn't that good!? I thought it was worth noting and even copied it down in my journal. Ah! I so want to be like King David, but more so like Jesus. I want to be the type of person that has an "abandoned heart for God." Ever since I surrendered my heart to God at age 17 I made a vow that I would never settle. I refuse to be the type of Christian who just gets by...living off yesterdays manna. The God I serve is so awesome!
Last night in youth group I shared about what it means to be a follower of Jesus. The word follower in Greek, means to mimic what you see someone else doing. So if I say that I am a disciple of Christ, a follower or a Christian, then I should be doing what Jesus did when He walked this earth! It says in Mark 16:15-18, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well."
I challenged the youth to step out and be the type of Christian, Jesus desires us to be! It says in John 14 that, anyone who has faith in Jesus will do what He did and will do even greater things than what He did! I mean, WOW!
We see so little because we believe so little. The church is paralyzed by unbelief! Its time to BELIEVE! It's time to be men and women of faith. It's time to step up! Ah!!!! I ache for it.
"God is very committed to teaching us how to see. To make this possible He gave us the Holy Spirit as a tutor. The curriculum that He uses is quite varied. But the one class we all qualify for is the greatest of all Christian privileges - worship. Learning how to see is not the purpose for our worship, but it is a wonderful by-product.
Those who worship in spirit and truth, as mentioned in John 4:23-24, learn to follow the Holy Spirit's lead. His realm is called the kingdom of God. The throne of God, which becomes established upon the praises of His people, is the center of that Kingdom. It's in the environment of worship that we learn things that go way beyond what our intellect can grasp - and the greatest of these lessons is the value of His presence. David was so affected by this that all his other exploits pale in comparison to his abandoned heart for God. We know that he learned to see into God's realm because of statements like, 'I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.' The presence of God affected his seeing. He would constantly practice recognizing the presence of God. He saw God daily, not with the natural eyes, but with the eyes of faith. That priceless revelation was given to a worshiper."
Isn't that good!? I thought it was worth noting and even copied it down in my journal. Ah! I so want to be like King David, but more so like Jesus. I want to be the type of person that has an "abandoned heart for God." Ever since I surrendered my heart to God at age 17 I made a vow that I would never settle. I refuse to be the type of Christian who just gets by...living off yesterdays manna. The God I serve is so awesome!
Last night in youth group I shared about what it means to be a follower of Jesus. The word follower in Greek, means to mimic what you see someone else doing. So if I say that I am a disciple of Christ, a follower or a Christian, then I should be doing what Jesus did when He walked this earth! It says in Mark 16:15-18, "Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well."
I challenged the youth to step out and be the type of Christian, Jesus desires us to be! It says in John 14 that, anyone who has faith in Jesus will do what He did and will do even greater things than what He did! I mean, WOW!
We see so little because we believe so little. The church is paralyzed by unbelief! Its time to BELIEVE! It's time to be men and women of faith. It's time to step up! Ah!!!! I ache for it.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
sing praise
Lately the Lord has been dealing with my heart about rendering praise to Him.
All last week two of my friends, my mom and I challenged ourselves to abstain from making personal petitions to Lord for 7 days. So instead of asking the Lord to meet our personal needs, we were going to substitute in praise and worship. It was ironic that we decided to do this the week that we did, because it was the week where I had alot of things to bring to the Lord. Just alot of stuff that was on my heart to ask the Lord about. But I figured, He knows my needs and what's on my heart already - I will accept this challenge. Let me tell you, that week flew by!
I realized from this challenge that things in my life seemed less stressful and drawn out when I had an attitude of praise and worship. The daily irritants seemed petty.
Although making personal petitions is good and Biblical, this should not be what tips the scale throughout the day as I commune with God. Praise and worship should be the largest part of my life. Why is this!? Well, I think it's because personal petitions can easily tip into the selfish pool, making my quiet times more about ME than God. Therefore, as I determined to worship and praise the Lord throughout the day, my eyes were not so focused on ME but on Christ. Hmmm. The worry and and stress that sometimes hits me throughout the day or week was somehow eliminated and I found myself feeling kinda carefree and joyous.
"Praise helps you focus on what God is going to do in your life rather than you keeping your focus on what is happening around you."
It says in Psalm 22:3 that "the Lord inhabits the praises of His people." Meaning, the Lord shows up when we praise Him. Wow! Sounds good to me, aye!
I am also reminded of the story of Paul and Silas when they were imprisoned and they began praying and singing praises to God. As they did this God showed up and opened the doors to their prison cells and through that, revival pretty much broke out that night!
Sometimes things in my life seem so overwhelming. My finances, my job, my school work and just life, can press on me till I feel I will surely break. And its in those times that "praise" is literally the last thing in my heart to do. It seems so backwards - to praise God when things seem so awful and without hope.
Just this morning I started to think about my life. Everything I have to do, my bills, my work or lack thereof, and I could feel my forehead starting to crease with worry but very smoothly God interrupted me with one word, PRAISE.
I'm not going to lie. I did not feel at all in the mood to praise...I lacked the energy. But I had nothing else to do so I made my way downstairs and and turned on my "we cry out" dvd. Since I lacked the energy to lead myself into Praise, why not let Kim Walker lead. haha. I curled up on the couch and then just allowed myself to be washed in the worship and praise of the Jesusculture band. It wasn't long until my heart became engaged and my mood began to change and my eyes were once again correctly placed onto my King. My Jehovah - Jireh, the One who will provide all my needs. My Jehovah – Rohi, the One who will guide me in all things when I lack direction.
So I choose to put on the garment of praise today, Jesus. For I desire to please You and to bless You. Amen.
All last week two of my friends, my mom and I challenged ourselves to abstain from making personal petitions to Lord for 7 days. So instead of asking the Lord to meet our personal needs, we were going to substitute in praise and worship. It was ironic that we decided to do this the week that we did, because it was the week where I had alot of things to bring to the Lord. Just alot of stuff that was on my heart to ask the Lord about. But I figured, He knows my needs and what's on my heart already - I will accept this challenge. Let me tell you, that week flew by!
I realized from this challenge that things in my life seemed less stressful and drawn out when I had an attitude of praise and worship. The daily irritants seemed petty.
Although making personal petitions is good and Biblical, this should not be what tips the scale throughout the day as I commune with God. Praise and worship should be the largest part of my life. Why is this!? Well, I think it's because personal petitions can easily tip into the selfish pool, making my quiet times more about ME than God. Therefore, as I determined to worship and praise the Lord throughout the day, my eyes were not so focused on ME but on Christ. Hmmm. The worry and and stress that sometimes hits me throughout the day or week was somehow eliminated and I found myself feeling kinda carefree and joyous.
"Praise helps you focus on what God is going to do in your life rather than you keeping your focus on what is happening around you."
It says in Psalm 22:3 that "the Lord inhabits the praises of His people." Meaning, the Lord shows up when we praise Him. Wow! Sounds good to me, aye!
I am also reminded of the story of Paul and Silas when they were imprisoned and they began praying and singing praises to God. As they did this God showed up and opened the doors to their prison cells and through that, revival pretty much broke out that night!
Sometimes things in my life seem so overwhelming. My finances, my job, my school work and just life, can press on me till I feel I will surely break. And its in those times that "praise" is literally the last thing in my heart to do. It seems so backwards - to praise God when things seem so awful and without hope.
Just this morning I started to think about my life. Everything I have to do, my bills, my work or lack thereof, and I could feel my forehead starting to crease with worry but very smoothly God interrupted me with one word, PRAISE.
I'm not going to lie. I did not feel at all in the mood to praise...I lacked the energy. But I had nothing else to do so I made my way downstairs and and turned on my "we cry out" dvd. Since I lacked the energy to lead myself into Praise, why not let Kim Walker lead. haha. I curled up on the couch and then just allowed myself to be washed in the worship and praise of the Jesusculture band. It wasn't long until my heart became engaged and my mood began to change and my eyes were once again correctly placed onto my King. My Jehovah - Jireh, the One who will provide all my needs. My Jehovah – Rohi, the One who will guide me in all things when I lack direction.
So I choose to put on the garment of praise today, Jesus. For I desire to please You and to bless You. Amen.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Least of these...
We had a core group meeting awhile ago, in it we talked about the possible personalities that may enter the doors of our church. Personalities that may have been or are being shunned by society. The transvestite, the homeless, the prostitute, the poor, the dirty, the weak, the young and the old. People who are broken and have been beaten down by this world that we live in.
Someone in our meeting said that by summer maybe we as a church will be ready to receive these types of people into our church. This person said this, with the heart that we as a body of believers have some issues within ourselves that need to be worked out before we can love others like we are called to do. (I think this process has already begun in our church)
You see its easy to love the clean, the pretty, the well-to-do, but when it comes to loving the ones that are not so pretty or clean, we have a difficult time. Even writing that makes me feel a bit of grief. I can be so stuck-up sometimes...so judgmental, critical and harsh. So everything, that Jesus stood against...lived against.
Last night at church two girls in my youth group approached me with a question. They asked if it would be alright if they could invite a kid to come to our next youth group meeting. At first I was like, why even ask, of course its ok. But then quickly they explained the "why." They shared with me that this kid that they want to invite is a little different. He dresses a little strange and his behavior is a bit "off" as well. My two youth girls wanted to make sure that he would be well received if they were to bring him to church.
My heart did a hop and a skip and I could feel pressure building up to where I wanted to weep. I told the girls that of course they could invite their friend to youth group and that I would make sure he felt welcome and loved. I guess what really got to me was, again, that they even had to ask. They had to ask if a kid who is a bit different would be well received in a church! A church! The church is suppose to be a representation of the One we come to church for! The church is suppose to be as Christ! Who did He hang out with?! Who did He choose to be His followers. Who did He fellowship over dinner with?! Who did He die for?! The outcasts, the misfits, the weirdos of society, the poor, the cheaters, the ones that were shunned by the "religious."
My heart is crying out to be like Jesus. To have His heart that beats for others, no matter where they are on the ladder of society. I know though that I have a long way to go because I am so critical and judgmental and harsh. And could it be that who I am and the lame tendencies that I walk in, could it be that this is what is being demonstrated in the church as well? I don't think this assessment is too far from the truth.
Oh to be like Jesus! His compassion and pure love that He expressed unrestrained toward others would put our acts of love to shame.
Here lately the Lord has been doing some things in my life that have brought me to a pretty weakened and broken state. At first I was so angry! Why does life have to be so hard! Then I realized that the real issue in my heart was pride. I thought I deserved more, better. WELL, maybe as the Lord continues to break and weaken me I will develop a better taste of WHO HE IS! He is pounding on my flesh so that His Spirit might reign. He is challenging my pride that I might walk in humility so that I can be like HIM.
I want to love as Jesus loved! I want to look at others with His eyes. I want to be compassionate and nurturing towards those who are hurting and misunderstood. I cannot be that if I'm so caught up with myself, my hurts and my issues, that I'm blind to the issues and hurts of others!
So yeah...I was pondering all of this this morning. Wondering if I'm brave enough to cry out to God to make me more like Him. Because really, am I ready to go through what Jesus did so that I can be like Him?? Yikes...that's a scary thought. However I am reminded of the quote from the movie, Prince Caspian. Caspian says to Aslan that he doesn't feel he is ready to be at the same level as the others (the Pevensie kids). But Aslan reassures him by saying, " It is for that very reason, that I know you are."
So, I guess we shall see. I'm excited/nervous. :)
“And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’ - Matthew 25:40
"But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." - 1 Samuel 16:7
Someone in our meeting said that by summer maybe we as a church will be ready to receive these types of people into our church. This person said this, with the heart that we as a body of believers have some issues within ourselves that need to be worked out before we can love others like we are called to do. (I think this process has already begun in our church)
You see its easy to love the clean, the pretty, the well-to-do, but when it comes to loving the ones that are not so pretty or clean, we have a difficult time. Even writing that makes me feel a bit of grief. I can be so stuck-up sometimes...so judgmental, critical and harsh. So everything, that Jesus stood against...lived against.
Last night at church two girls in my youth group approached me with a question. They asked if it would be alright if they could invite a kid to come to our next youth group meeting. At first I was like, why even ask, of course its ok. But then quickly they explained the "why." They shared with me that this kid that they want to invite is a little different. He dresses a little strange and his behavior is a bit "off" as well. My two youth girls wanted to make sure that he would be well received if they were to bring him to church.
My heart did a hop and a skip and I could feel pressure building up to where I wanted to weep. I told the girls that of course they could invite their friend to youth group and that I would make sure he felt welcome and loved. I guess what really got to me was, again, that they even had to ask. They had to ask if a kid who is a bit different would be well received in a church! A church! The church is suppose to be a representation of the One we come to church for! The church is suppose to be as Christ! Who did He hang out with?! Who did He choose to be His followers. Who did He fellowship over dinner with?! Who did He die for?! The outcasts, the misfits, the weirdos of society, the poor, the cheaters, the ones that were shunned by the "religious."
My heart is crying out to be like Jesus. To have His heart that beats for others, no matter where they are on the ladder of society. I know though that I have a long way to go because I am so critical and judgmental and harsh. And could it be that who I am and the lame tendencies that I walk in, could it be that this is what is being demonstrated in the church as well? I don't think this assessment is too far from the truth.
Oh to be like Jesus! His compassion and pure love that He expressed unrestrained toward others would put our acts of love to shame.
Here lately the Lord has been doing some things in my life that have brought me to a pretty weakened and broken state. At first I was so angry! Why does life have to be so hard! Then I realized that the real issue in my heart was pride. I thought I deserved more, better. WELL, maybe as the Lord continues to break and weaken me I will develop a better taste of WHO HE IS! He is pounding on my flesh so that His Spirit might reign. He is challenging my pride that I might walk in humility so that I can be like HIM.
I want to love as Jesus loved! I want to look at others with His eyes. I want to be compassionate and nurturing towards those who are hurting and misunderstood. I cannot be that if I'm so caught up with myself, my hurts and my issues, that I'm blind to the issues and hurts of others!
So yeah...I was pondering all of this this morning. Wondering if I'm brave enough to cry out to God to make me more like Him. Because really, am I ready to go through what Jesus did so that I can be like Him?? Yikes...that's a scary thought. However I am reminded of the quote from the movie, Prince Caspian. Caspian says to Aslan that he doesn't feel he is ready to be at the same level as the others (the Pevensie kids). But Aslan reassures him by saying, " It is for that very reason, that I know you are."
So, I guess we shall see. I'm excited/nervous. :)
“And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’ - Matthew 25:40
"But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." - 1 Samuel 16:7
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
waiting for hope...
Yesterday was the pitts and today hasn't been so good either.
I got my first ever speeding ticket last night on the way home from the women's Bible Study. I was already feeling pretty weak and down and just flat out melancholy yesterday and so the speeding ticket was pretty much overkill. I haven't cried as much as I did last night in quite some time. My friends came around me and gave me scriptures and encouragement, which helped. Their support is much appreciated. But above all else I wanted Jesus. I wanted the rapture to come so I could be with Him. I went to bed early...just completely ready for the day to be over and for a new day to begin.
My friend Jay told me that I should listen to the song by Brooke Fraser called, C.S. Lewis Song. As I listened to this song the lyrics ministered to me. Here they are below:
If I find in myself
desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude
that I, I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best
only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude
when to where I'm destined I'm compared
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout
of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me
is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth
of who I was born to become
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming for me
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For me, for me, for me
I got my first ever speeding ticket last night on the way home from the women's Bible Study. I was already feeling pretty weak and down and just flat out melancholy yesterday and so the speeding ticket was pretty much overkill. I haven't cried as much as I did last night in quite some time. My friends came around me and gave me scriptures and encouragement, which helped. Their support is much appreciated. But above all else I wanted Jesus. I wanted the rapture to come so I could be with Him. I went to bed early...just completely ready for the day to be over and for a new day to begin.
My friend Jay told me that I should listen to the song by Brooke Fraser called, C.S. Lewis Song. As I listened to this song the lyrics ministered to me. Here they are below:
If I find in myself
desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude
that I, I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best
only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude
when to where I'm destined I'm compared
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout
of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me
is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth
of who I was born to become
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath,
so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live
I was made to love
I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming for me
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan
as I wait for hope to come for me
For me, for me, for me
Monday, February 9, 2009
P.S.
Woke up this morning really sore. I realized it was from hopping and skipping (aka dancing) about last night in the driveway. So, I will have to remember this for future reference.
20 minutes of "dancing" can be a really great work out for...lets see...my calves definitely...and my shoulders too for some reason. :)
20 minutes of "dancing" can be a really great work out for...lets see...my calves definitely...and my shoulders too for some reason. :)
Sunday, February 8, 2009
dancin' in the moonlight
This afternoon I had to bring Natalie back up to Central. On the drive back home, five and half hours later, I felt such a desperate longing to connect with Jesus in an intimate way. It was like an ache deep down in the depths of my soul...like my Spirit was groaning within me. It's hard to explain. I needed intimacy. I needed to be met by Jesus!
I pulled into my driveway, parked the car and then cranked up some worship music (We Cry Out by Kim Walker to be more specific). I then just DANCED. Not a "get it on" type dancing, more just me being FREE before the Lord. It was AMAZING! I felt full and ALIVE. How could I not!?
Peering down on me was a full moon shining in all its glory. Probably quite curious about the hazel eyed girl flailing her arms and dancing wildly about her driveway. In that moment nothing in my universe mattered...it was just me worshipping Jesus in a way that I rarely allow myself. So sweet. So beautiful. So perfect. I needed it...probably more than I can understand at the present.
I felt that maybe I was tapping into an aspect of delighting oneself in the Lord. I didn't have to sing aloud with the song, I didn't have to shout or pray...I didn't feel the need to express myself that way. My heart was expressing itself in a form that my mouth couldn't.
"let them praise His name with the dance, Let them sing praises to Him with the timbrel and harp. For the LORD takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the humble with salvation. Let the saints be joyful in glory;" - Ps. 149: 3-4.
Hallelujah. Amen.
I pulled into my driveway, parked the car and then cranked up some worship music (We Cry Out by Kim Walker to be more specific). I then just DANCED. Not a "get it on" type dancing, more just me being FREE before the Lord. It was AMAZING! I felt full and ALIVE. How could I not!?
Peering down on me was a full moon shining in all its glory. Probably quite curious about the hazel eyed girl flailing her arms and dancing wildly about her driveway. In that moment nothing in my universe mattered...it was just me worshipping Jesus in a way that I rarely allow myself. So sweet. So beautiful. So perfect. I needed it...probably more than I can understand at the present.
I felt that maybe I was tapping into an aspect of delighting oneself in the Lord. I didn't have to sing aloud with the song, I didn't have to shout or pray...I didn't feel the need to express myself that way. My heart was expressing itself in a form that my mouth couldn't.
"let them praise His name with the dance, Let them sing praises to Him with the timbrel and harp. For the LORD takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the humble with salvation. Let the saints be joyful in glory;" - Ps. 149: 3-4.
Hallelujah. Amen.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
beautiful beautiful
After I got off work this evening I went over to Arica's to hang out. She fed me and then we had a great time just talking. During our time together we listened to Francesca Battistelli. One of her songs really put words to what I've been feeling lately. The song is called, Beautiful Beautiful. Below are the lyrics:
Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace
(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
(Chorus)
I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace
(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful
Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face
(Chorus)
I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
love is in the air
What's this? Two blog posts in less than 24 hours! Haha. I'm on a roll what can I say. :)
As of late, it seems that things in my life have become a little bit sweeter. The sky seems bluer, my job seems less stressful and then for some reason I can't seem to stop smiling. It's as if I'm...in love? Yep, that's definitely the word I want to use. Or maybe its just the feeling one gets when they know they are loved. Ok, it's both. :)
All week long I've been experiencing so much love. It's like I'm being washed in it...like rain. It's so...perfect. I'm being pursued and am loving it. It makes me feel so alive and desirous to just be FREE. Wow...so exhilerating. It's something I have never known. It's so rich and so full of depth.
The verse that keeps coming to my mind is the verse in Hosea 2:14-15. "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, And speak comfort to her. I will give her her vineyards from there, And the valley of Achor as a door of hope; She shall sing there, As in the days of her youth, As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt."
I love that! Mmhmm...so good. God is so good! He has been loving on me all week. In ways that He knows will really bring me a joy and delight.
Monday - was invited to go to Florida for a week in March with my mom and her best friend. Mom bought me choc. syrup so that I can have chocolate milk (something I've been craving!). I got my new worship cd in the mail!
Tuesday - was given my very first coffee mug and with that 2 yummy choc. chip cookies. Plus, my boss gave me a starburst after I taught swim lessons. ;) haha
Today - I got a card and sweet tarts (another something I have been craving) in the mail from a dear friend of mine. AND THEN, tonight at church we prayed the whole time and an African man was there to join in with us! I had just told mom today that I really would love to see people from different ethnic groups come to our church! haha. THEN, tonight after church some of us went to Dairy Queen where James bought Arica and I dinner!!
SOOOO....God knows how to win my heart. Not just with simple gifts (although that's one of my love languages) but also in the way He has helped me appreciate the person He created me to be. I'm being secured in His love which has caused me to venture out of my shell.
"God loves us by liberating us from the bondage of self so that we can enjoy knowing and admiring Him forever." - John Piper
"What must love do? It must rescue us from our addiction to self and bring us, changed, into the presence of God." - John Piper
WOW! That's God giving me the desire of my heart. I heard once that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. I do truly want the Lord to be glorified...I ache for that. So therefore, may I continue to find my satisfaction in the beautiful and unfailing love of my Lord. Hmmm, I just cannot express in words how much the Lord thrills me.
p.s. I read Song of Solomon this morning. The Lord's passion puts mine to shame...goodness.
As of late, it seems that things in my life have become a little bit sweeter. The sky seems bluer, my job seems less stressful and then for some reason I can't seem to stop smiling. It's as if I'm...in love? Yep, that's definitely the word I want to use. Or maybe its just the feeling one gets when they know they are loved. Ok, it's both. :)
All week long I've been experiencing so much love. It's like I'm being washed in it...like rain. It's so...perfect. I'm being pursued and am loving it. It makes me feel so alive and desirous to just be FREE. Wow...so exhilerating. It's something I have never known. It's so rich and so full of depth.
The verse that keeps coming to my mind is the verse in Hosea 2:14-15. "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, And speak comfort to her. I will give her her vineyards from there, And the valley of Achor as a door of hope; She shall sing there, As in the days of her youth, As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt."
I love that! Mmhmm...so good. God is so good! He has been loving on me all week. In ways that He knows will really bring me a joy and delight.
Monday - was invited to go to Florida for a week in March with my mom and her best friend. Mom bought me choc. syrup so that I can have chocolate milk (something I've been craving!). I got my new worship cd in the mail!
Tuesday - was given my very first coffee mug and with that 2 yummy choc. chip cookies. Plus, my boss gave me a starburst after I taught swim lessons. ;) haha
Today - I got a card and sweet tarts (another something I have been craving) in the mail from a dear friend of mine. AND THEN, tonight at church we prayed the whole time and an African man was there to join in with us! I had just told mom today that I really would love to see people from different ethnic groups come to our church! haha. THEN, tonight after church some of us went to Dairy Queen where James bought Arica and I dinner!!
SOOOO....God knows how to win my heart. Not just with simple gifts (although that's one of my love languages) but also in the way He has helped me appreciate the person He created me to be. I'm being secured in His love which has caused me to venture out of my shell.
"God loves us by liberating us from the bondage of self so that we can enjoy knowing and admiring Him forever." - John Piper
"What must love do? It must rescue us from our addiction to self and bring us, changed, into the presence of God." - John Piper
WOW! That's God giving me the desire of my heart. I heard once that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. I do truly want the Lord to be glorified...I ache for that. So therefore, may I continue to find my satisfaction in the beautiful and unfailing love of my Lord. Hmmm, I just cannot express in words how much the Lord thrills me.
p.s. I read Song of Solomon this morning. The Lord's passion puts mine to shame...goodness.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
simple expressions...
So a few Sundays ago I took the youth group to St. Charles, MO. to the Winterjam concert. Boy was that an adventure. We stood outside in the FREEZING cold for about 2 hours. Then like a herd of elephants we made our way into the arena for the big show to begin. It was packed...10,000 people in one place! After waiting for that long outside we still didn't get good seats. We were in the nose bleed section. Poor us. ANYWAY, it was a pretty sweet concert...if I were to view it in the eyes of a teenager. My lovely friend Arica came with and we both agreed that we felt old. :)
After the concert we then made our way to a McDonalds for a late supper. Out of everything that happened that day, what took place at McDonalds is what stands out to me the most.
We were waiting in line to order our food and I was excited! I'm always excited about food, but on this night it was more than the food. It was the fact that I was around teenagers and that the day (our first youth outing together) had gone successfully. In my excitement I did a little hop-thing. I've done this since I was a kid, its how I express myself when I'm really excited and overjoyed about something. I thought nothing of it...until one of the youth boys, Colin, called me out on it. He said, "Leanne, you hopped. I've never seen you do that before."
Now this really hit me and on the drive home I pondered the "why."
This is the conclusion that I came up with...
For the past month or two the Lord has been challenging me to REMEMBER. He's been bringing things up from my past, the good and the not-so-good. I've even been going through old pictures and reading old journals to help with the process (just being obedient). He's been showing me that the girl I was growing up, the girl that I have tried so hard to put off dare I fall into foolish ways, wasn't so bad. He's been opening my eyes to the good qualities that I had. The person I am now needs to be re-united with the person I was. In the maturing process I lost sight of the girl I am. But as I have grown older, I have obtained a little bit of knowledge, understanding and some wisdom to balance out the flaky and immature areas of my past. The girl I am now has allowed her mind to lead in most things. The girl I was, was all heart (kinda like the contrast between the Tin Man and the Scarecrow on "The Wizard of Oz," hahaha). I was passionate about...everything!
But you see, I am unable to truly be free if led by either.
SO, when Colin said that he had never seen me jump before, really got me because I use to be so expressive. But I have learned to supress that side of me a bit so that I would be "acceptable." Oh what a silly girl I am.
I am an extrovert. I love people! Being around people energizes me. Now I tend to get so insecure and self-conscious. Uhem, uhem...pride! I was fearless growing up because I didn't know there were things to be feared.
NOW, as I've been REMEMBERING things from my past and I've become stirred up...it's like I'm fanning a flame. Passions are being reignited.
For so long I have been feeling so discombobulated. But now it's like my heart and head are forming an alliance!
I'm feeling more FREE, COMPLETE and CONFIDENT than I ever have in my life. It's been an amazing journey of discovery! I've loved every minute of it.
So, don't be surprised I guess, if you see me hopping and skipping about...I'm just embracing the person I am...a free-spirited soul and proud of it. :)
After the concert we then made our way to a McDonalds for a late supper. Out of everything that happened that day, what took place at McDonalds is what stands out to me the most.
We were waiting in line to order our food and I was excited! I'm always excited about food, but on this night it was more than the food. It was the fact that I was around teenagers and that the day (our first youth outing together) had gone successfully. In my excitement I did a little hop-thing. I've done this since I was a kid, its how I express myself when I'm really excited and overjoyed about something. I thought nothing of it...until one of the youth boys, Colin, called me out on it. He said, "Leanne, you hopped. I've never seen you do that before."
Now this really hit me and on the drive home I pondered the "why."
This is the conclusion that I came up with...
For the past month or two the Lord has been challenging me to REMEMBER. He's been bringing things up from my past, the good and the not-so-good. I've even been going through old pictures and reading old journals to help with the process (just being obedient). He's been showing me that the girl I was growing up, the girl that I have tried so hard to put off dare I fall into foolish ways, wasn't so bad. He's been opening my eyes to the good qualities that I had. The person I am now needs to be re-united with the person I was. In the maturing process I lost sight of the girl I am. But as I have grown older, I have obtained a little bit of knowledge, understanding and some wisdom to balance out the flaky and immature areas of my past. The girl I am now has allowed her mind to lead in most things. The girl I was, was all heart (kinda like the contrast between the Tin Man and the Scarecrow on "The Wizard of Oz," hahaha). I was passionate about...everything!
But you see, I am unable to truly be free if led by either.
SO, when Colin said that he had never seen me jump before, really got me because I use to be so expressive. But I have learned to supress that side of me a bit so that I would be "acceptable." Oh what a silly girl I am.
I am an extrovert. I love people! Being around people energizes me. Now I tend to get so insecure and self-conscious. Uhem, uhem...pride! I was fearless growing up because I didn't know there were things to be feared.
NOW, as I've been REMEMBERING things from my past and I've become stirred up...it's like I'm fanning a flame. Passions are being reignited.
For so long I have been feeling so discombobulated. But now it's like my heart and head are forming an alliance!
I'm feeling more FREE, COMPLETE and CONFIDENT than I ever have in my life. It's been an amazing journey of discovery! I've loved every minute of it.
So, don't be surprised I guess, if you see me hopping and skipping about...I'm just embracing the person I am...a free-spirited soul and proud of it. :)
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I don't know
I'm sitting here, my hands poised over the keyboard...I'm waiting for inspiration.
For about a month I've been feeling a bit sluggish. So many times I've opened my journal to write or I've been here on my blog and the energy is just not here to even express my heart. I don't know what the deal is. I don't like it.
The things that use to get me stirred up or excited...don't. Maybe it's boredom. Maybe I just need to have a good cry fest.
Presently I'm listening to Kim Walker sing, How He Loves Us and I want so badly to be moved! I want to be broken so that Christ may enter into me and shake me out of this place of Blah-ness that I've found myself in.
I have so many questions and so many things on my heart waiting to be expressed but the words just aren't there. I have so much in my head and now I'm just waiting for these things to settle in my heart that I might be changed. Maybe? See, I really don't know. I don't have a clue as to what God is doing right now. I see in a mirror dimly. I think apathetic would be a good word to describe what I'm feeling. Indifference is such an ugly thing. I want to FEEL something! I guess I haven't made time to let myself feel things. Maybe I'm afraid I'll feel to much so I've allowed myself to become emotionally and spiritually constipated. Wanting to slow things down so that I can make sense of everything that seems to be happening around me. Things that I don't understand. Yeah...that's probably it.
Sometimes I try so hard to do things right. I want to be a good daughter, sister, friend, youth pastor, employee, example. I'm exhausted. I can't be good or loving or any of that Christian stuff without CHRIST. Ah! I know this...I know that I know this. But why can't I get this! Why can't I apply it! Why can't I live every day passionately and radically sold out for Christ!
I've tried to control...everything. Thus producing ME. A girl who isn't feeling too much right now. Who doesn't have the energy to pray or worship or be nice because...I haven't clung to Jesus like I should. I haven't made time to sit at the feet of my King and just BE with Him.
*sigh...goodness. How silly I can be sometimes. I so want to blame God and everyone and everything around me for where I'm at right now. But I can't do this because nobody is to blame but ME. I've failed. I've slacked off. I've made things mundane because I'm a creature of habit. I find something that works and stick to it...so religious. God has been wanting to shake me up a bit because I've been asking for this! But when He starts to move just one little piece in my jenga like life...I freaked. I became a frenzied mess which alarmed me so I squelched it all so that I could find my secure place. *shaking head. Silly girl!
Jesus is saying, "daughter, when things seems unsteady or unbalanced I AM HERE! Child, cling to Me! Let me be the hand that steadies you. Trust Me. I Know. Call out to Me when you feel afraid or that you're about to fall. Don't shrink back into the corner. Allow Me to be your guide. Allow me to step in and move on your behalf! I love you, child. Believe this and be changed."
"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." - Eph. 3:14-21
For about a month I've been feeling a bit sluggish. So many times I've opened my journal to write or I've been here on my blog and the energy is just not here to even express my heart. I don't know what the deal is. I don't like it.
The things that use to get me stirred up or excited...don't. Maybe it's boredom. Maybe I just need to have a good cry fest.
Presently I'm listening to Kim Walker sing, How He Loves Us and I want so badly to be moved! I want to be broken so that Christ may enter into me and shake me out of this place of Blah-ness that I've found myself in.
I have so many questions and so many things on my heart waiting to be expressed but the words just aren't there. I have so much in my head and now I'm just waiting for these things to settle in my heart that I might be changed. Maybe? See, I really don't know. I don't have a clue as to what God is doing right now. I see in a mirror dimly. I think apathetic would be a good word to describe what I'm feeling. Indifference is such an ugly thing. I want to FEEL something! I guess I haven't made time to let myself feel things. Maybe I'm afraid I'll feel to much so I've allowed myself to become emotionally and spiritually constipated. Wanting to slow things down so that I can make sense of everything that seems to be happening around me. Things that I don't understand. Yeah...that's probably it.
Sometimes I try so hard to do things right. I want to be a good daughter, sister, friend, youth pastor, employee, example. I'm exhausted. I can't be good or loving or any of that Christian stuff without CHRIST. Ah! I know this...I know that I know this. But why can't I get this! Why can't I apply it! Why can't I live every day passionately and radically sold out for Christ!
I've tried to control...everything. Thus producing ME. A girl who isn't feeling too much right now. Who doesn't have the energy to pray or worship or be nice because...I haven't clung to Jesus like I should. I haven't made time to sit at the feet of my King and just BE with Him.
*sigh...goodness. How silly I can be sometimes. I so want to blame God and everyone and everything around me for where I'm at right now. But I can't do this because nobody is to blame but ME. I've failed. I've slacked off. I've made things mundane because I'm a creature of habit. I find something that works and stick to it...so religious. God has been wanting to shake me up a bit because I've been asking for this! But when He starts to move just one little piece in my jenga like life...I freaked. I became a frenzied mess which alarmed me so I squelched it all so that I could find my secure place. *shaking head. Silly girl!
Jesus is saying, "daughter, when things seems unsteady or unbalanced I AM HERE! Child, cling to Me! Let me be the hand that steadies you. Trust Me. I Know. Call out to Me when you feel afraid or that you're about to fall. Don't shrink back into the corner. Allow Me to be your guide. Allow me to step in and move on your behalf! I love you, child. Believe this and be changed."
"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." - Eph. 3:14-21
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