Loving my neighbor...

So I've decided that loving others is just plain hard.
I'm in a season in my life where God is really challenging me to love others more deeply. I'm a pretty relational person, I like people and hate to be alone for very long. But sometimes I get this panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about someone getting close to me. When this happens I just want to shut myself away somewhere to hide. Here recently, I'd say within the last month or so, I've realized that there is this side to me that is just plain cold hearted. I've never thought too much about it, just thought I was just pretty emotionally strong. But then this "side" of me hurt the feelings of one of my dearest friends. Thankfully, she had the guts to confront me. I heard her out then went to my sister to see if she could verify any of what my friend said. I asked her if I could be intimidating, unapproachable or hard. To which she said yes. She said that it was always a tragedy to be on my "bad side." She said that it was never anything I would say or do, it was just a "vibe" that I sent out. This vibe stated, "I have walled you out, you can't touch me." As she spoke these words I felt a grief within my Spirit and that I needed to pay attention because the Lord was at work.
For the past 4 years the Lord has taken me on a journey where He has continually worked to tenderize me. I have had many victories along the way and have felt that I have made much progress but this current issue seems to be rooted quite deep within me. I feel that it is generational. An issue that has been woven quite intricately through the pattern of my family. This walling someone out stance is not something I consciously do, but an immediate thoughtless reaction. So when I was confronted on this issue, it overwhelmed me because I could feel how deeply this was rooted and therefore felt powerless to change. I could liken how I felt to how someone would feel if they were given the task of chopping down a large oak tree with a butter knife.
After processing this issue with my sister, who confessed to dealing with it too, we prayed. I felt no grief or shame, merely just the pressing of the Holy Spirit to take the first step...repentance.
Weeks later, which brings me to this present time, I'm faced with this desire to draw close to others and to allow others to draw close to me. This desire terrifies me.
Even this morning at church some of the kids in my youth group gathered around me to talk and I felt an overwhelming love for them. But with this love, pain, because I feel that God has given me a measure of discernment and insight into the condition of their hearts. Some of these hearts are rebellious and indifferent towards the Lord. They don't care about the things of God, they just want to gratify their fleshly wants. The ache I felt for these youth was so intense that I wanted to cry. Ugh!

Man if only I could love without there being any pain or discomfort along with it. This is why loving others is so dang hard! It hurts so much to care and to be moved emotionally because of the depth of what you feel. How did Jesus do it?! How did Jesus give of Himself to so many? How was He so approachable? How was He able to love Judas even though He knew Judas would betray Him in the worse possibly way? It's so scary to love that freely...to be that open. But yet I desire it...I crave it. I would like so much to hug the balance beam and leave the walking and leaping to the professionals. Hugging the balance beam seems so much more safe and comfortable. But no, there's no way that I can be content with that sort of safe lifestyle. Not when the Spirit of God is passionately at work in this area of my life. I've always admired people who are open and loving towards everyone. Who make you feel so comfortable in their presence and who give of themselves so freely. I want that! I want to live a radical life for Christ. To take risks and go against the grain. Stand and leap on the balance beam that I may attain a good score from the ultimate Judge. That I might hear the words, "well done My good and faithful servant. You lived and loved well."
Ah, I want that more than anything. But goodness is it hard to put action behind that want and desire. Dear God, help me.